One thing that I have noticed lately, I am not motivated. 
Everything seems to have hit me all at once. It is almost 7 months since my dad has died. It feels like so long ago. Like I'm looking down a tunnel. I'm not crying as much, nor am I dysregulated emotionally much... well, not much more than normal. I have noticed that my motivation is waning. It feels like depression, but I don't think that's what this is. I'm still in love with my job, I'm still in love with my partner. I'm still getting done... well... no I'm not.
My father was a diabetic for the last 20 years of his life. Looking at pictures I can see the progression of the disease, the disease I have now been diagnosed with for the last 10 days. I know I've had it longer than the last 10 days. It was very easy for me to cut out sugar and processed foods. It was very easy to go through the fridge and the cupboards and get rid of 90% of the processed food residing there. It was even easy to start looking up diabetic friendly recipes. It was easy because I keep seeing his face... The before and after pictures of my father that showed me when the disease took him from us. Dementia is now considered Diabetes Type 3. So, even though I'm not motivated, I am extremely motivated to not lose my mind.
I finished getting all the paperwork I needed to the lawyer and to the accountant. I still have one thing to take care of from my father's estate and that keeps slipping my mind. 
I'm working too hard, too much, too long... again. Am I avoiding? Am I surviving? Am I dissociating?
I think the long and the short of it is, I'm doing all three. Am I doing life well? No, probably not. I find myself Doom Scrolling. I find myself losing time in finding recipes. I'm bored but I have so much to do! I'm not sleeping well at night, which makes me want to take naps during the day. I want to call people and talk to them, but I don't have the strength to have the conversations I need to have. 
This is my grief, this is me missing my person. This is me wanting him back for just one more... One more kiss, one more hug, one more really bad joke... One more chance for me to say how much he means to me, how much I loved being his daughter! How much I enjoyed getting to know him again, even though he wasn't himself any more.

Gratitude, where does gratitude fit in with grief and grieving? Why does it fit in with grief and grieving?
If the opposite of grief is love, the best way we can support the love that has no where to go is with gratitude. Remembering what we are thankful for helps so much with grief. I had forgotten that. Actually, I don't know if I have forgotten about gratitude or if it just hasn't been as available since my father's death. 
Yesterday, I received that reminder that I need to find my gratitude and my grace. With everything going on in the world, gratitude is my armour, my saviour, my knight in shining armour, and as I am saying this out loud, so was my dad. How fitting that he again comes into the picture. My dad looked at almost everything with humour. Near the end, not so much, but when he truly was my father, we laughed all the time. 
I also realize, as I'm writing this, that gratitude has been out of my grasp for the last bit. I am back to the beginning of my path. I am recognizing how much I appreciate trees, the lush bright and vibrant green of new growth, the fullness in the branches, the steadfastness of them. How much they have endured the last few years, how much they have sustained us, as humans. They give us shelter, the give us solitude, they give us beauty, shade and air. They filter our air of most of the pollutants, chemicals that can harm us. I am so lucky to have an abundance of them just outside my window.
I am grateful for the air, the way that it carries the birdsong, eagle calls, raven and crow caws, the way that it nurtures my lungs and my body, the way that in the springtime it holds so many wonderful scents of flowers, cedar, pine, the hope and vibrancy of spring. 
I am grateful for another spring!! I truly love this time of year! So full of life, so much brighter than winter. I am so grateful for the sun in the morning, coming earlier and earlier, beckoning me to get up earlier, be more present, be more accepting, be more open. 
I am grateful for my open mind, my generous nature, my ability to see beauty everywhere I look. I am grateful for the new day, the new dawn, the presence of hope. I am so grateful for the presence of hope. It carries me through such dark times. I am grateful for days that my dad didn't have, pain he didn't experience. Life was so hard for him near the end. I am grateful for my time with him! I am grateful for my strength and my love that supported him so well! I am grateful that I was always searching for ways to make his life better, even with the pain, discomfort and dis ease he felt. I'm grateful for the love we shared with each other and the view he helped nurture around family and doing what's right, not necessarily what was right in front of you. Standing up for those without a voice, standing up for beliefs and standing up for myself. I didn't realize where a lot of myself came from until I started looking at whose voice I hear when I feel the urge to step up, stand up and use my voice. 
Gratitude carries you far in this life and in this world. It softens all the sharp edges. It keeps the Boogeyman at bay. It keeps your mind calm, your heart from beating out of your chest, it helps with anxiety and depression, it helps to clear my mind of all of my fears. My fears are away, they are not in front of me. If I use gratitude as my shield, it keeps me focused on the present, reminds me the present is where peace lies, where power lies, where strength can take hold and guide us through. 
​Today, tomorrow and the day after, I am very grateful to be able to find my gratitude and show it to myself, show it to the world. Today, I will have more peace and love because I have found a reason to be gracious. patient and kind.

​
The Seven Languages of Sorrow were given Life by Dr Stephen Garrett

The Seven Languages of Sorrow are our pathway through grief and grieving. Some people gravitate towards all of them, most pick one or two and anywhere in between. 
Knowing how we grieve, knowing things that can make the grief more malleable, or more powerful. To give meaning and purpose to our grief, but mostly just to have others witness the grief. It is very important to our brain that we be witnessed when we are going through something big, something substantial, something difficult or challenging. I often think of children on the playground when I think about this part of the human process. "Look at me, Mommy! Look what I can do?" Look at this, Daddy!! I did this at school today!" We want people to see our milestones, witness our growth. In the case of grief, I have found it isn't my growth I want witnessed, it is my dad. I want him to be remembered! I want his life to be acknowledged. I want the world to know he was here, he was loved, he was worthy of love, and he was my dad.
The hardest day for me, was the day after my dad died. No one else noticed. The world didn't stop turning. The traffic still went by. People were still functioning... when I couldn't. I finished writing my first poem about my grief that day.

How do you grieve?

How do you grieve someone still living?
Gently.
How do you mourn small losses?
With kind reflection.
How do you protect someone’s dignity?
Remembering who they are, remembering who they were, remembering who they used to be.
How do the stars still shine?
How does the world still turn?
How do you slow down time?
How do you grieve a life well led, while someone is losing their mind, their hope, their strength?
You remind them.
You remind them.
You remind them.
How do you get through this?
You remind yourself.
They are still here. They are still them. They are still loved!
How do you go on living when they're gone?
You breathe and Remember...
They're still with you
Energy doesn't leave, it just changes form.

Gwynn Hughes

I realized when I finished this poem that it wasn't about just his death, it wasn't even about my grief, it was mostly about the anticipatory grief, the pre grief, the noticings that he was slowing down. The knowing he was getting closer with each day. Energy doesn't leave, it just changes form. My father's energy was in me, was with me. I carry him with me every day. These are all things that have helped me walk with grief. You do not move through it, you walk with it. Grief is just the mirror reflection of the love you have for someone. People say "I loved them." But it's not past tense. It's current, because grief is love, there is just nowhere for the love to go, there is no place for that love to land any more.


What Becomes of the Wreckage

When the love you have for someone runs so deep
When the memories you carry become too heavy
When the sorrow of their loss completely decimates your soul
What becomes of the wreckage?
Am I still here?
Am I still whole?
Do I even exist in a world without you in it?

Gwynn Hughes

Making friends with Grief

I am making friends with my grief, which is honestly about time!! I have been walking with Grief for a very long time and I haven't even looked at her before. She is so beautiful! She looks old, but wise, sad, but confident. She knows this walk, she knows this path. It may be the first time in my life that I have even recognized that I am on her path, I certainly did not recognize her for who she is. It's beautiful, painful, and so very sad. I am doing my best to keep up with her, but she knows the way and I get lost easily in memories and experiences. She is patient and kind and never rushes me. Like a parent with a child who cannot seem to keep up. She is letting me play and experience, and feel. She encourages me to feel. I don't always like that. It's so deep and it hurts so much! But she waits until my thinking brain catches up with my emotional brain. She waits until my curiosity peaks again and I run to catch up. She will walk with me forever now. She is my friend.

Gwynn Hughes

​The Cold Sheets

Thank God for the cold of the sheets.
They remind me of you.
How quickly the warmth faded from your skin, how I longed for your touch even then, at first.
I wanted your smile again, your loving embrace, the twinkle in your eye!! 
To say it happened suddenly would be a lie, and yet it doesn't feel like one.
I saw the signs, I even commented on them.
But I was in denial. 
You told me you would live for a long, long time, but a long, long time is not forever... I wanted forever!!
I long for forever!! 
How lovely it was to be loved by you, for only a lifetime.
Just not my lifetime!
How young you were when I met you! 
How handsome you were.
And how much you loved me.
It was breathtaking!

Gwynn Hughes

The dream

I dreamt of my dad last night.
It was beautiful!
I dreamt of his smile.
He had such a great smile!
And then the pain came.
The gut punch pain, 
The chest pain,
The headache, the jaw ache, The can't breathe, 
And the tears...
The most productive, most beautiful, heart wrenching, guttural cry! 
A cry they heard on the moon, on every star.
A cry that shattered the universe.
I thought you would hear it!
I'm surprised the earth didn't shake.
I'm surprised I'm still here.
Without you.

Gwynn Hughes

So, the 7 Languages of Sorrow, obviously include poetry. The language of poetry is actually mentioned in 2 of the Languages of grief. The Sensitive: They like to play music or sing, they use creative expression by using their voice, their ears and music to express their grief out. I am not only called to write poetry, but I love to read my poems out loud to people that want that. I find reading my own words helps me tremendously, to get the grief out. The Writer is another language. This one also mentions poetry, but it is less performative and quiet. The Writer also may journal or write a letter to someone, maybe a BLOG, or write more Social Media posts. So I am definitely drawn more to the written word and performing to express my grief out. 
There is also The Talker, they like counselling, talk therapy, walk and talk sessions in nature, community and support groups. The Mover expresses their grief through movement, doing, dancing, exercise, hiking, breathwork, yoga. The Seeker seeks out meaning in the death, through ritual, prayer, ceremony and meditation. The Artist expresses their grief through painting, drawing, sculpting, baking, weaving, knitting or carving. They have a tangible need to express their grief through touch. Last but not least is The Filer. They express their grief slowly, mindfully. They work on one thing at a time, they keep things simple and organised until they feel ready to explore other languages, to see which feels best for them. They are more introverted, cautious.

So, now you know how I'm moving through my grief and the grieving process. How are you doing with your grief?

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