"I should just get over it already..."

My very good friend thought it was ok to say ... “Everyone grieves in their own way. Take as much time as you need. You do seem to be using your grief as a weapon. You seem to be victimized by it.” “Other people have lost their father too. You’re not the first one.”
I’m so sorry for your loss! I wish they would stop there sometimes. “I’m sorry for your loss, I lost my dad years ago! At least you had yours longer than I had mine.” “I’m sorry for your loss, how long ago was that now? I thought you would be over that by now.” “There is no time limit to grief. Have you thought about antidepressants?” 
They are right, I am grieving. They are right, I am not over it. They are right, I am not the first person to lose their dad. I am the person who just lost mine. And keep in mind that I have said ALL of these things, when I didn't know better. I have hurt people horribly by saying things when I didn't understand the feelings of the person I was speaking to... I have had losses, a lot of losses, but none that have hit me so hard and so profoundly as my father. He was my first friend. He was my partner in crime. He was my first love, he had been with me since the day I was born. His loss I am feeling so much deeper than any other that I have felt. It is all encompassing, it is a tsunami of grief that keeps cascading over me, at the worst possible times, sometimes I feel like I will drown in it. Drown in a sea of tears of my own making. It feels like Alice Through the Looking Glass. I keep trying to get my feet under me. I have to work!! I have to keep going with my classes! I have to get housework done, taxes done, figure out what to eat, have I had any water today? So, I do what I said I wouldn’t do. I push the grief down to get stuff done. A brilliant man, named Stephen Garrett pointed out that grief is a direct reflection of the love someone had for another person. I loved my dad a LOT!! I am grieving a LOT!!
I was thinking today about grief, my grief. My father has been gone 3 months today. 3 months. That seems like such a small amount of time. If I were pregnant, I probably wouldn’t have told anyone at this point, and yet I feel like I yell from the rooftops that my father has died. 
There is a disconnect somewhere. There is a disconnect that happens when someone close to you dies. People stay away. Not on purpose or out of any sense of malice, it’s just that most people don’t know what to say. Sometimes they repeat things that others’ have said to them about the grieving process. Sometimes things people say don’t land well… I have to keep reminding myself that the sting of the words doesn’t match the kindness that they are trying to portray. Sometimes the words sting. Sometimes they smack you in the face. Words people say after someone dies, sometimes they are just wishes. “He is looking down on you”. “He’s not in pain any more” Those are all wishes. We don’t really know what happens after death. We don’t really know who’s belief system is right. I think they all are. Those statements are easy to pick apart when you’re grieving. Where did my dad go? He was just there… and now he’s not, where did he go? Did he linger, did he see me crying next to his bed? Did he leave right away with a spring in his step, knowing where he was going?
There is a lot to pick apart in conversation with a grieving person. Saying the first thing that comes to mind, may not be the right thing or the most comfortable thing. Also grief comes after many traumatic losses, not just death. Miscarriages are losses, huge losses. The loss of a child, even though unborn, it is still the loss of a child. That comes hand in hand with the loss of expectations. Never being able to hold that little one's hand, no kisses or hugs or new baby smells. Loss of expectations is sometimes greater than the loss of the person themselves, because of a loss of expectations is the gift that keeps on giving. Every milestone reached by another can be a reminder of the loss of those expectations. The loss of expectations is a huge grieving process all on its own. I know with my own children, my own daughter, I didn't even know some of the expectations that were not ever going to be met, until the loss of them was beating me about the head and face. And if I think the response to a loved one dying is bad, let me tell you no one knows how to respond to a mother that will never be able to share in the joy of certain milestones in their child's life. I wanted to be the house where all the kids came to play. I wanted to be the mom that made popcorn and sandwiches and helped the girls with their hair while they spoke about boys and teachers, embarrassments and triumphs... Having a child that was ostracized put an end to all of those expectations. 
So, what do you say to someone grieving? Not just death losses, but any losses. You can say, “How are you feeling?” Please don't say "How are you?" There are too many answers to that and I don't know if I can contain my response...
How are you feeling?
Are you able to get out of the house at all?
Would you like to go for coffee?
Would you like to go to a movie?
Are you drinking enough water?
Are you eating? 
How was your day today?
I love it when you tell stories about your dad, what was he like?
What's your favourite memory of him?
These are all great questions. YES, I am going to cry!! Yes, I am ok with that! It really helps to talk about who you are grieving. It even helps to talk about why you are grieving. It doesn't help when I feel judged. It doesn't help when I feel admonished. It does help to feel seen, heard, validated. It does help when I see genuineness in the people around me. Platitudes are easily forgiven when there is love behind them.
"You can't know what you don't know, but when you know better, do better."
​Maya Angelou